Posted by
Ralphie Parker on Sunday, June 14, 2009 10:01:59 PM
I know it's been a long time since I've written to you about my quest to tell the whole world about the evils of
Chad the Elder and his fellow miscreants at Fraters Libertas. Because of the years of abuse by Chad, I have had to check myself into the spa in order to restore myself to traveling shape. Many of you may not know that I am now expanding my anti-Chad reach into social media. You can read me on Twitter
@Ralphieblog. But I am excited to report from deep in the heart of the American Southwest, Tucson, Arizona.
When people think of Tucson, two things come to mind - snakes and cactus. My new Twitter friend who was my tour guide takes me to the head of the Snake Bridge.
On the other side, naturally, the tail of the Snake Bridge. I mentioned to my friend that I had lots of experience with snakes up in Minnesota, especially with the Fraters Libertas people. I think Chad the Elder was probably the head asp, the way he hissed all the time.
There is plenty of cacti in Tucson, from prickly pear to ocotillo to barrel, all just as prickly as Chad the Elder himself. But there was much more ahead in my Tucson adventure, as I was about to find out.
On the outskirts of town lies historic Fort Lowell.
I agree. We should never forget the pioneers and soldiers who helped tame the West while people like Chad historically sat in the saloons.
This is the remnants of the adobe-walled hospital at Fort Lowell. Now it was time to head into town.
This is a statue of the infamous Mexican rebel, Pancho Villa, a man whom Chad often spoke of with some admiration.
I had to stop and take a picture here. Chad will be so jealous.
Many people think Tucson is most famous for the University of Arizona. But if you ask the locals, the central hub of town is here at El Charro Cafe', established 1922.
After seeing some of the history of El Charro...
...including this adobe brick from the original El Charro Cafe building, I knew that I had a job to do, and I had to do it quick before Chad the Elder or his fellow innebriates at Fraters Libertas discovered this place. If they did, they'd never leave.
I sat down with Ray, part of the family who owns and operates El Charro, and explained to him the evils of Chad, especially when he starts drinking. He promised me that he would not allow any of the Fraters gang to enter his establishment. I felt better, but knew there was someone else I had to warn...
The bartender. He appreciated the heads-up. I knew a place that had been around this long was now safe if Chad and his cohorts ever came to the Southwest.
No trip to Tucson can be complete without a visit to the University of Arizona, home of the Wildcats. Here I am at Pinal Hall...
...followed by a trip to the Steward Observatory Mirror Lab, which created the original mirrors for the Hubbell Telescope.
Here I am on the John Button Salman statue.
Salmon was a star football player who was injured in an automobile accident. Even after his death, Salmon has served as an inspiration to a lot of Wildcats present and past. Chad the Elder, by comparison, has a plaque embossed on the floor at Keegan's Pub marking the spot he hit when he fell off his barstool during trivia night.
Just sitting on The Wall at the U of A. Up to now, this had been a fun and trouble-free trip. Unfortunately, the Tucson adventure takes a dark turn.
Sitting on The Wall turned into drinking on The Wall.
We soon found ourselves at McHale Memorial Center, which led us to...
Bear Down Field, home of Wildcat football.
The field was unattended, which was unfortunate. There was an incident involving the goal posts which I will not go into here.
At some point, we made it across town to Hi Corbett Field, home of the Tucson Toros, a minor league baseball team affiliated with the Colorado Rockies. Being that Chad knows nothing about sports having lived in Minnesota his whole life, I was eager to see if we could get onto the field.
Trespassing is not what got me into trouble.
Neither was digging up home plate as a souvenir.
No, what got me in trouble was borrowing the Tucson Toros' cart,
...heading back over to the U of A to pick up some Pi's...
...piling back in the Toros' cart...
...and heading back to El Charro. Everything was going great until...
Apparently, the Toros minded me borrowing their cart. Three days later...
My final stop in Tucson was the Pima County Superior Court. The judge asked me how I pled. I said, "Not Guilty, Your Honor," and then proceeded to explain to the judge about my years of captivity at the hands of Chad the Elder, and how I still continue to suffer the after-effects of my past today. At one point in my story, i saw a single tear running down the judge's cheek. When I finished my story, the judge said the case was dismissed, and said I was free to go. The judge also issued an order from the bench forbidding Chad or any of his fellow Fraters Libertas from setting foot inside the Tucson city limits.
On the courthouse steps, I said goodbye to my new friends in Tucson, knowing that it was time for me to move on to the next adventure. Where will I go? Wherever the story of Chad the Elder needs to be told in order to keep freedom alive. You can keep track of my travels both here and on Twitter by following @Ralphieblog.